I am Not my Anxiety

Dear Mocha 

I stumbled on this project by photographer Steve Rosenfield called What I Be Project. It's inspiring and beautiful. Their motto is building security through insecurity. So I've been inspired to talk about my biggest insecurity. Something some of my family don't know about me or even understand about me, something I keep hidden because most of the time I feel like it's the worst part of me. 

Everyone gets anxiety everyone gets anxious. Getting hit with anxiety from time to time isn't abnormal, once your head is clear and gain control of your emotions you move forward. Unless you are me or anyone else with an anxiety disorder.

Web MD defines anxiety disorder or Genenralized anxiety disorder as: "This disorder involves excessive, unrealistic worry and tension, even if there is little or nothing to provoke the anxiety."

It really doesn't matter how you word it, there isn't a word or words that could really descirbe how aweful it can be. I have suffered from an anxiety disorder for a few years. It really hit me in college after a car accident I was in, and it only got worse. At first I didn't know what an anxiety disorder was or that it was even a real thing. So for years I just thought and felt like I was crazy. For years I thought there was something wrong with me and I was too ashamed to talk about it. I didn't tell anyone and still to this day it's hard for me to talk about it. I would get anxious and just want to lay in my bed and stay there. I finally opened up to my best friend Jamie and I told him how I feel sometimes. He told me that I might have anxiety and he told me that his dad has it too. Little by little it got easier to talk to Jamie about what I was going through because he knew someone who went through it also. He didn't make me feel like a basket case, which is what I thought would happen if I ever talked about it because I felt crazy. I even got to talk to his dad about it. His dad is a pastor at an awesome church and he's a totally amazing human being, someone I really look up to. He told me about it being taboo in the 90s when he went to doctors then. He told me about going to the hospital because he thought he was having a heart attack. He described how he felt when anxiety would decide to crash in and for the first time I had someone I could relate to. For the first time I didn't feel so crazy and if I was at least someone was crazy with me. When I was anxious around him he would hold my hands and pray with me. It's such a simple gesture but one of the best things and form of medication anyone has ever offered me, because he taught me how to do it myself. He taught me how to let the darkness out and The Light in.

It's kind of hard to describe what happens when I get an anxiety attack because its not always the same and it's always unexpected. It usually starts with my heart starting to race. It feels like it will beat out of my chest. Then it gets hard to breathe like I can't quite get a breath in. My appendages feel like they are turning numb and my fingers and toes get tingly. I start shaking and usually crying by this point. I feel anxious and scared and it's almost impossible to turn off. It's all in my brain and it's hard to tell your brain what to do sometimes. It feels like a heart attack. It feels like you loose control. It's scarey and the worst uncontrollable feeling. Sometimes I just get a little anxious about something and I'll just want to go lay down and hide away or I'll just shut down. There are certain things that trigger it for me but for the most part it's random. If I get really upset about anything, I might have an anxiety attack, sitting it traffic when I'm trying to go somewhere, or disappointing people I care about are my biggest triggers. It's nearly impossibly to turn it off when you want to. 

There was a time when a good friend of mine and roommate at the time was in the hospital when I felt my lowest. I felt alone and constantly anxious. There were times when my thoughts got dark. I was lost and scared. You can only go on for so long feeling crazy before your demons start to make sense. Thats when I decided to get help. I talked to my doctor and now I take medicine which I was nervous about taking at first. I didn't want to be "medicated". Knowing I would probably get perscibed something is one of the reasons I was scared to go to a doctor at first. Though the thought of being medicated scared me it's what I needed to be strong to get out of my lonely hole. It's a daily battle but I got the help and support I needed. I'm in a better place than when my anxiety was at it's worst. I'm stronger. I'm better. If you think you might have an anxiety disorder the best thing you can do is tell someone. It may be hard but you need to let someone know. Talk to your doctor and discuss the next steps you need to take. Don't let it control you and don't hide away. You don't have to fight this battle alone. 

The most important thing about anxiety disorder is that it is not a reflection of who you are or your weakness. In my opinion it makes you a fighter, each tough day is a reminder that you are a survivor. And you are not alone, you are not crazy, and you will be ok. Just like I am. I am not my anxiety. 

I want you to know you are not your label placed by you or anyone else, you are not your insecurity. Maybe this post will inspire to take your own photo for What I Be Project. At minimum maybe you'll rethink making fun of or hurting someone based on a label. For more information or to see inspiring imagines go to www.whatibeproject.com

If you have anxiety and have more questions let me know, I'd love to help. If you know someone who has anxiety and they need help or you just have questions  comment and let me know. I am not an expert but I am here for you. You are not alone.